When you live in Poland, you have to bite the bullet and join the ballet. Here’s the six vital techniques of the Seven Black Swans. Learn them now or die in a ball of inadequate frustration and rage.
The Sideswipe Swan
One minute you’re standing wondering whether to go with a seeded or unseeded loaf, the next minute Sideswipe Swan has smashed your trolley into a Winiary netherworld. You lose. Related to the ‘Aisle Ave You’ Swan (see below).
The Sick Swan
Approaching the vegetables you notice Sick Swan checking each red pepper like it’s a suspect package. Sick Swan blocks your approach with a light tan jacket and trolley and small dog as back up, so you wait a moment. Just as sick swan gets to the last one, yes, the very same pepper you had your eye on, she/he sneezes, snorts a glottal snort, then puts it back. You lose again!
The Conveyor Belt Fanatic Swan
A personal favourite: You approach the conveyor belt and start putting your products on it. Conveyor Belt Fanatic Swan sizes you up and grabs a dividing block thingy and slams it right down with a flourish of great determination. Ye products shall not pass this point!
Points Rebate Swan
Considered one of the most slow moving and poetically frustrating of the Black Swan moves. You know the drill: You scoot up to the queue with the least amount of customers. Committing mentally to it, you then stand for ages as the Points Rebate Swan clutches a fist full of vouchers whilst the checkout operator rings a buzzer for the manager who is clearly by the entrance smoking three fags in a row. As I say, poetry in motion.
The ‘Aisle ‘Ave You’ Swan
(Going all Murray Walker now) You’re two abreast as you race for the finish line of the Ryz and Makaron Aisle. Wait, what’s that? Only a bloody child with a miniature trolley wandering onto the track! Tyres bursting into flame at the speed of it all both trolleys edge ever closer to pass. But no! Aisle ‘Ave you Swan has pipped you to the post with a moustachioed demonstration of superiority that your weakling Western frame will never emulate. You lose!
Queue Jump Swan
The most technically demanding of the Black Swan Supermarket positions, requiring grace, narcissism and treachery combined with an air of innocence and anonymity. QJ Swan saunters up, waits for the most distracted customer and then slips in as slithery as seven slimy snakes sliding up a smoky screen of slyness. As the most technically difficult position, it is also the most widely attempted and requires constant vigilance.
Did I miss one?
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