The Seven Dwarves of the Awkward Squad*

Having turned convention on its head by falling in love with a Polish girl and moving to Poland (albeit after a three year consideration period mainly featuring an attempt to eat in every Polish restaurant in London) I further defied normality and completed my Lenin-like odyssey by becoming an English teacher. Or, as I prefer to put it, a “Teacher of Business English.” (In the UK job titles are on a continual inflation leading to a cleaner now being known as a “sanitary maintenance technician” and I see no reason to buck the trend).

I’ve enjoyed learning my own language again, it’s helped me learn Polish more efficiently and enthusiastically, and I’ve met a lot of people leading a lot of very different lives in the city. I’ve realised that being a teacher is second only to hairdressers in the amount of information that comes out of your clients’ mouths. Silence is golden, but so is the paycheque from Fakt to a man on  porridge and potato pay. Students, you have been warned!

But without the high, no low. So in this post I’d like to – avoiding moaning as much as possible – inbtroduce you to the Seven Dwarves of The Awkward Squad.

First, Boring Dwarf...

 60 minutes of teeth grinding, synapse collapsing linguistic torture with them normally begins like this:

Teach: How are you?

-          - Fine

Teach: How was your weekend? (Desperation, rising)

-         -  Ok

Teach: Did you read or watch anything in English this week? (Desperation, risen)

-          - No

Teach: Ok.. did you do the homework? (Audible sighs, rising)

-          - No

Teach: OK, did you read the lesson plan? (Desperation and Audible sighs, risen)

-          - No, I didn’t have time

Fifty eight and a half of the longest minutes you’ve ever experienced later, you ask them if they had a good class or if they’d like to change anything in the way they study and they say they’re happy (without a smile) hand over the shekels and depart. Anything for the money?

So having outlined Boring Dwarf. In the best blogging tradition of prejudice, supposition and generalisation, here the six other dwarves of the Awkward Squad:

Gifted but Lazy Dwarf

Spent time in the UK or US but commits more errors than any other students, who continue to live in admiration of the “one that’s been abroad”

Most likely to – have a foreign accent, introduce bizarre idiom you’ve never heard of

Compelled Dwarf

Forced to attend classes by company. Grudgingly punctual but begrudgingly disinterested.

Most likely to – burst into rapidfire Polish at the first available moment

Mystery Dwarf

Rarely seen creature who arrives to sign time sheets then receives an urgent summons because the big boss is in the for the day.

Most likely to – forget your name, be middle management.

Party Dwarf

Average student but above average interest in introducing you to his/her friends the following night.

Most likely to – arrive late to the class with a knowing wink directed at Teach, visibly yawn at every opportunity

Obsessive Dwarf

Writes in minute, controlled handwriting. Never late, always prepared. Speaks carefully and slowly but with surprising frankness. Ambitious but plagued with self-doubt.

Most likely to – have no belief in his/her surprising ability, pester Teach for more homework

Provocative Dwarf

Always asks difficult questions (pesky bugger!) and contradicts Teach at every available opportunity.

Most likely to – remember outrageous claims made in previous class and contradict them in the next one.

Did I miss any others?

As it’s very much the style du jour to make wild promises of forthcoming blogposts, I can guarantee with absolute certainty that next up will be “The Seven Receptionists of The Seven Circles of Corporate Polish Hell” (also known as Abandon Thy Phone All Ye Who Enter Here”).

*Disclaimer – the vast majority of MY students bear no relation to any of the Seven Dwarves, who are all based on stories I’ve heard from other, less professional and less reasonably priced Teachers of Business English.